Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A number of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from spot. Developed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But yes, certain, let us have A different put exactly where American Males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace try because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: present Everybody a suite about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often gentle electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he should prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You understand, person, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."

Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from House, a element remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as the chin is… effectively, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not only unsightly. It is a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Perplexing Options

Probably the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium wherever guests could contemplate vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Local Syrians are Doubtful what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."

General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it might stabilize the world"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "where by's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The venture is currently attracting attention from Intercontinental traders, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may even include:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't wait to determine a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a hotel where by my PTSD can have switch-down service."

A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian merely asked:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Studies propose:

China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with Trump Tower Damascus https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Final Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."